I never knew how difficult grad school would be. To sum up two months of my summer...torture. I can’t even tell you how sick of group projects I became. I enjoy having my grade rest on my shoulders, not someone else who decides not to show up to group meeting and ruin my GPA. Okay, I am over exaggerating a little. It didn't matter what I wanted, what I was faced with was a million group projects with stressed out cranky future teacher just like myself. What I got in return was a group of great friends who shared in the pain with me. As I watch those friends who dodged bullets with me begin their student teaching, I begin to question if I made the right choice. Two weeks into my program I felt a clear tug from the Lord. I told myself that I was going to be a teacher so that doors would open up over seas so I could be a missionary with a different title. Instead of missionary Breanne I would be teacher Breanne. Being a teacher would definitely open different doors than being a missionary would. I went so long with telling myself that being a teacher was what I was called to do. The truth was, I was running away from the calling I received on my life as a five year old.
I knew God called me to be a vocational missionary. I thought teaching was the avenue I was supposed to take, but I think I was running from what God really had for me. Teaching was safe, school was safe, Tacoma was safe, selling everything and moving half way around the world is not safe. In school I know what day papers are due and when my next despised group meeting was. I knew I would stress out, overachieve, and receive a great grade. I loved the structure of school. If I wanted to play it safe, I would be a life time student. Jesse would hate it...a lifetime of his wife stressing out over midterms and finals. But I would love every minute of it.
I know I can’t sit here and question what God has called me to do. I need to stop thinking of myself as a failure because I went on leave for my grad program, I need to think about the next step. I need to prepare my life and my family’s life for what God is going to do. I don’t know what’s in store for me. Maybe one day I will go back to school or maybe Jesse and I will fall in love with vocational missions work. All I know is that I had to stop running away from what God has called me to do.
I want to challenge you today, do you think you are running away from what God has called you to do? Or maybe you’re not running, your just slowly walking the wrong direction. Turn around and start running towards what God has for you. I can promise you this, it will be greater than anything you can think of yourself.